


Fuck

by peaxsell



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018) RPF, Queen (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Bad Decisions, Confusion, First Time, Gay, Gay Male Character, Gay Sex, Gen, Heterosexuality, M/M, Roger is confused, Sexual Confusion, University
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-29
Updated: 2019-03-10
Packaged: 2019-09-29 14:34:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17205182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peaxsell/pseuds/peaxsell
Summary: where Roger cannot hide it more.





	1. Groove is in the heart.

**Author's Note:**

> This story is in Spanish, originally, but I translated it into English because I'm on vacation and have time to spare. so it is likely that I take more time for the usual upload it. I apologize before hand if there is some sort of grammatical error or something as well (since I try to translate what I know and with the help of translators). I think that's all; enjoy the story!
> 
> pd. I'm not used to write in this way, I'm dabbling in it so I apologize for this also.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the confussion of Roger.

i'm stupid, stupid, stupid. Damn, my arms were hanging on my shoulders and I didn't know where to leave them, I looked in all directions looking for some point that would leave me dumbed down and stop looking at the guy on my right. 

It was the first time I had dating a man; We were friends, yes, but damned I liked it better than drinking a Stella Artois or going to the pool in summer. I wore a bottle of water between my fingers because it was the only way I had to not be so nervous and my lips were not so dry. I was afraid, at the same time, how they would judge me if I was carrying out this relationship and my plan, but what if he was homophobic and rejected me? Jesus, I couldn't live with that. What if he didn't hate me but if he walked away from me? I couldn't stand it either.

Freddie had advised me to stop doing stupid things and to tell him once and for all what i felt so there were no misunderstandings. But, fuck, with luck we knew five months ago, I can't do something so hasty, more if my pride and my dignity were at stake. One day, I remember, that Freddie took me by the arms after I was been talking a bit much about him.

"Look," and I did. "Why don't you leave him docile? make to not realize what you feel until it drops yielded to your feet" or something like that had been. I remember looking at my hands because I used to do it when I was nervous, or maybe it was a play of my mind. "It's hard," i answered, and Freddie hit my cheek. "If you really want it will not be difficult..." and he got a smile, funny. "Apart, it is the first time that I see the great Roger Taylor complicated by a love affair" I looked at him contemptuously. "it's funny" he said and increased my desire to hit him in the nose.

It is not that I was someone difficult to get a girlfriend or I was trouble to develop in the feelings and words. I'm a social person, he had described me in laughter. But, I was burning my head a lot for him, damn it, I felt that every time we were together he held me in the clouds or he smiled exclusively for me. I looked at his eyes constantly, how cute they looked in him and how beautiful he saw looking anything else. It wavered me chest and wanted to take it from the cheeks and kiss it, but with John Deacon everything was difficult, I was begun to experience the fear, fear of rejection, people, to fall in love; I was dumbed down and no use of reason. And had so fed up! Because sometimes i saw so little interest in me, or sometimes his simple gestures made me hope, but it oscillated again and again like the pendulum of the Great Tower; And felt a lot, for the first time I felt so much and was giving a lot.

This was not the first time I was joined him but i seemed to be more nervous than usual. I drank again water once he looked at me sideways. John was about a shy and reserved person, even at times he was shy with their closest; with me I used to talk more because I stopped not to throw word after word as if I was a machine gun and he, hurriedly tried to let me know that I was listening with their answers and sometimes meaningless. But I knew that nonsense was about my nervousness and my sudden desire to talk to him without stopping.

"What's the matter, did the mouse eat your tongue or what?" That kind of jokes did not even give me grace if someone said but when John released that kind of banalities the desire to laugh until grabbing my stomach were incredible. I smiled, with my breath caught in my chest. "No, it's nothing... is that the final exams have me... wrong" I laughed while he nodded. "The final exams are horrible, especially if you study something that has to do with the area of health... is difficult" he ironed his jacket with fingers. I smiled again. "Yes, but I know; I have to get to study more and stop dating... unless it is for these weeks before the tests" he licked his lips, slightly. I looked at them as if they were tempting, as if they would shout at me quietly, "Kiss, Come on and kiss." I swallowed and get my eyes away when I felt his on mine. He sighed, walking around the campus dragging his feet across the earth, i lick my lips and went back to drink water.

"What do you say we study together?" I said, with my shoulders tense and the heart restless. I felt so stupid to react this way. John looked at me like he was some kind of weirdo over his shoulder, over his pretty Jersey. "We study different things, I don't think it turns out that..."

"No, I didn't mean that," I interrupted him. "I meant that study together, each his things, but we study in the same place... so you would help me to concentrate and I would not have excuses to go party" he kept thinking while looking at the sky and a nice pouting on his lips. I looked at him carefully; The fresh air of the morning lifted his hair with complicity and his eyes were closed to meditate my foolish proposal. I was written poems and thought of some songs, for the band, and all turned out to be my feelings on he and what provoked me. I was disdainful at first to his influence on me but the passage of time I began to give in and I fell in he. Fuck. "I think it's a good idea but when I study I make a lot of noise, i need to do some tests and that..." he looked at me with those expectant bluish gray eyes and I bit my lips. "That is the least, provided we help each other" I gave him a smile that accept my invitation and seemed to meditate on it. "Think and answer me..."

He opened his mouth, taken air. "Well, I accept, we study together," he smiled slightly, with the corners of his rosy lips raised. I opened my mouth and my eyebrows suffered some altercation. I felt in the damn clouds. "I'll see you later, Rog, I have to go" he saw the clock in his right hand and he said goodbye and I could only react to moving his hand, quietly, as i saw him disappear.

Jesus, what a man...


	2. Sing it back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roger begins to think about how he feels about John.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, I hope you had a nice start of the year and that your 2019 is genuine and great. i repeat, translate this it makes me difficult and is the double of work that I have to do so I will not be constant going up this, apart, I have to finish the other novel I was doing about the boys of Queen so I have a lot of work to do (and clearly, i have to leave playing the guitar all day long), I hope you will be sympathetic.  
> kisses and enjoy it!

"What did you say to him?" that is my other friend, Brian. He had his guitar in his hands and a raised eyebrow. My eyes got to stop in the reddish sky of the theater workshop at the university. "What you heard," I drank a sip of Stella Artrois, and he laughed, mocking. "I imagine you saying "yo-you want-to stay... "

"Shut up" I threw a eraser with the intent that it would fall into his head. My bad luck left afloat when I saw him dodge it. "It's funny to imagine yourself in this kind of situation... Besides, didn't you have a better idea to tell him for come out together than to put you to study with him?" Damn it, he kept laughing. I did a pouting, altered. Brian never used to mock what i did or not, in fact, had been respectful of my plight and the problems that this brings, but seeing it there, in laughter made me think that perhaps it was the worst excuse I could come to see him more time for two weeks before the exams but I would never tell him because there were certain things in my personality that would not allow me to accept my stupid mistake.

Brian is a good friend, he was never dedicated himself to criticizing me, he and Freddie accepted me and even supported me during the first days of acceptence; but when they seeing that I hadgoing to sit idly by without the intention of something else happening, they had grown tired of me and i talk all day about John.

I looked at my partner once more before taking the drumsticks and hitting the meaningless battery. 

"you have to tell him" mumbled, fixing the sound on his amp. I bit my lips. he insisted on how easy is that for him but for me is the most delirious martyrdom of my last decade. It is the dilemma of which I would not go out for my fears and my growing insecurities, who I thought were forgotten and buried. I was satisfied with the silence before sighing like an idiot and now the consequences were seen. Threw air accumulated from my lungs before I responded. "Brian, it's easy to say it that way..." he get frown. "It's easy to be the son of a bitch who loves every woman and now look at yourself; complicated because you like a man" I saw him as he stand up, with his guitar on the side. I looked at him at his height. "Man, I want you to know that nothing is difficult if you really want, absolutely no one but you can say that is wrong or is well and if John rejects you because that is all, you can not do anything; And if he accepts you that's ok..."

"What if he rejects me and tells everyone? Brian, I..."

"Enough, John is not like this, he is shy enough to do so" he shortened me with frown. I sighed. "John... fuck..." I put my hands on my face. Brian took my shoulder, I looked at him reluctantly. "Rog, you have to be quiet and know what you feel and what not..." I swallowed hard. "Tell me, what do you feel when you're with John?"

I blinked. What was what I feel when was with him? Well, I felt anxious, wanting to do everything and at the same time nothing, stay to contemplate his eyes and the halo of the sun in her head and his profile and his cute hair straight and chestnut or invite him out and talk to him so much. until John ends up saying things nonsense for so much infor acquired, I know he not half of things understood but I liked that frown and his lips nibbled, it was as if the gears of his brain worked a hundred percent inventing a coherent response and forced themselves into it. I also liked that he was shy, that the blush was constant in his cheeks, especially when situations appeared near him and he did not know how to answer. I like that nice smile and kind that he extended every time. that smile sincere that was marked on his lips. I liked the faintness of his voice and the slowness of his footsteps when he spoke to someone, the silence that he took, as if he were hogging all his attention in just a stupid conversation. Although he was suffering from a fuss of ideas, he used to listen to me attentively, like the rest. I was seen him talk to other people and he used to do the same, taking his time to listen to what the rest had to say and I liked that frown that was framed in his eyebrows every time he heard people, like analyzing the information delivered.

I must confess that we usually took more than twice the time when we walking the campus to leave in different directions (of course, each in the building where studied) so I woke up earlier to reach he and speak our share daily stuff. I got to say that my heart beat fiercely every time I remembered that I liked it, every time we were very close (breaking the barriers of friendship) and when we looked us quietly without telling us anything. I was so many mixed feelings that I was not been able to feel them with other people in my long years of relationship and it felt so strange to "fight" by a person when they could usually be solved with four drinks, an invitation full of dyspnea and then to bed.

"Well, I feel good" I answered by raising an eyebrow, and Brian smiled as if he knew everything he had been thinking. "Man, you're in love" he laughed. I opened my eyes and denied. "Hey, no, no, no, I just want... something else..."I don't know if that had made him laugh or he is mocking and grabbed his stomach, his eyes small and tight. "Come on, Roger, you don't believe it... bloody hell, Rog, you're in love" I denied because I honestly didn't know what the fuck I had feeling right now. Not that my exclusive attention had to John but I was the only person I thought of when I was not with anyone or my mind was blank or locked in my comfort zone. sighed scrubbing my face. "Look, Brian, I don't know how I feel, okay?, why pigeonhole everything when you know nothing? Uh?" He walked away, taking his guitar again. I looked at him, submerged quietly, waiting for his answer but he had only begun to play something random and fix the sounds of his guitar. Threw air, tired. "Freddie will come" he advertise as he grabbed the belt for the guitar and hung it on his shoulder. I kept silent, looking at the battery without really looking at it; Watching me in a chaotic scenario and in the current position I was in, desperate. i not have nothing to say to Brian.


	3. Atomic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Roger are studying and Roger feels too stupid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this chapter came out pretty fast so enjoy and comment!  
> pd. I apologize if there are grammatical errors.

I fell suddenly in the chair, tired, puffing and pulling my hair back. John took off his headphones on his head and left them hanging on his neck. I looked at him as he executed all with a fascination that made me want to cry and he put his hands on the book between his legs.

"Are you all right?" i denied. "or yes, but no, but yes, I'm fine, don't worry" damn, I couldn't tell him that in the last 5 months I felt terrible about heart and soul. "Are you sure?" nodded wanting answering so many things, it crossed my mind to respond badly but I did not, because he did not deserve it and because he had no idea what made me feel and think. "I'm all right, John, shall we go?"I looked at him, hopeful. He nodded and stand up from the seat. i followed him through the campus.

As we walked, we plunged into the characteristic silence that John had. I, with my hands in my pockets, looked around me; The green trees, the green grass, the bodies of the old trees, the people sitting on the grass, the garbage cans, my feet, the sky, i sighed once again, really tired. "I decided to study something light so as not to interrupt the silence" I looked at it, raising my eyebrows and a smile slipped through my lips. "Really? Thank you" he smiled at me too. Hell, that's a nice smile. "What are you going to study today, Rog?" i loved when he called me "Rog." He sounded so cute in his sounds, emanating from his lips, bouncing in the air, spreading through waves to my eardrums. "I don't know" I lifted shoulders because it was true, I had taken the first book of the class and had put it in the backpack without thinking about it just to see him. he raised an eyebrow and I felt half stupid. "Oh, no, no, no" I moved my arms to denial. "It's not that I don't know, it's hard to explain the class" he smiled. "at least the title?" I bit my lips. "The truth?" He nodded. "I only caught a book at random" I saw the frown. "It's just I find it more easier, I can go playing with what I have to study, you know? is a tactic" I hastened to say and he gave a laugh that filled my soul. "So it takes me by surprise and i like when not everything is predetermined"

"interesting form of... study" he laughed again. I sighed. "Maybe that's why I'm doing wrong... more or less" laughed. "You're not bad, I'm sure, you could explain to me what you know while we got to your apartment, what do you think?" i move my head with insecurity. "Well, if I'm wrong, don't laugh" he raised his arms, pleading innocence. "If you're wrong I'm not going to find out, I don't know much about dentistry" I smiled. "Okay, okay, here we go..."

"So, do you tell me what dental caries are produced by not having good dental hygiene and consuming almost any kind of shit?" i nodded and then denied, we crossed the street next to the cars horn around us. "Well, shit, shit, not, but if by food with sugar, starch or mineral water instead of normal water..."

"and why thats last?"

"for the fluoride that the enamel of the teeth needs".

"Gee, I had no idea" I looked him in the eye, the sincerity in his words seemed to dazzle in his eyes and he smiled at me. "Every day you learn something new" I felt a little dizzy, had talked so much that now my throat ached and sound hoarse. We went up to the apartment and the nervousness began to fall immediately in my hands at every step we gave on the steps. It is the misty that feeling that began to grow in me like the foam of beer and clouded my eyes. I put my hand on the doorknob and held the key to open it near the lock. When I opened it a halo of light hit us in the face and John asked permission, like ashamed. I looked at him sideways. He closed the door after him while I told him to get comfortable and that my house was his house. That sounded too much to thousands of other situations where I ended up with red cheeks, mouth open and nibbled and someone with legs open before me, however, I knew that was not going to happen, not now, never, perhaps. I took off my leather jacket and threw it where it fell, fortunately it fall on the couch.

"Do you want water, juice, tea or something...?" I saw him crouch down to catch some of the ground and I licked my lips with impatience to see the pale skin exposed from his lower back, rubbing his underpants. "Oh, no, don't worry, I'm fine!" he had stood up again, looked at the thing between his hands and held it. A little intrigued to see what it was about I advanced to the room with a glass of water. "Is this you?" he said once I approached him, I looked at what he held in his hands and I felt sudden shame growing in my stomach and burning face.I opened my mouth trying to say something but nothing crossed my mind. He laughed. "How nice you looked there" I felt even more ashamed and almost slipts the glass to the ground. "what a shame..." I say, taking the picture that he extended me. "no matter, buddy, you looked tender" I looked at it before watching the picture with my eyes as a puppy, I guess.In the picture I appeared in a dog suit, perhaps I was in primary school because my face revealed all, the hair came out of the head of the dog and looked an intense smile. I smiled. None of my appointments had found anything so intimate before, I dissapear that thought when I heard John open his backpack and sit on the floor. He looked at me from his smallness.

"Don't you mind if...?" I denied. I took the book I kept in the backpack and finally discovered the shit that i choice at random "histology bucodentary" I frown to more not power; It was the worst matter to start studying because it was the most dense examination of everyone else. i puffed as I threw myself to the ground and took the first shit to appear to be concentrated. We went back into the silence but this time it made me unkind. I looked closely while his back rested on the couch, I settleded in a place with a privileged view with immovable eyes on the figure of John and with the book open between my legs. Every now and then he moved the page so that he would not suspect and i scored something in the text and did not deepen in its. I was not really studying, I was dedicating myself to look at the silhouette of John Deacon.

Deaky did not have a great attraction, it could not be said that it was the ideal of man of this epoch; However, the boy had his mystical charm that made look at him with all her naturalness. It is as attractive to a way that no one else could be, not even the handsome in the room. he had those people who, in the room, make move your eyes in they. maybe, he got that elegance and distinction between the rest, in his air of tranquility, his reddish lips, white skin, long hair. that description makes me thing could be mistaken for a woman if he wanted. he would move the ground if he wish. but, he move my ground and felt so good.

when the people knew him realizes that not only his physique was attractive, but all of he. That kindness, patience and attention he put on peolple as if they were equially important and deserved be heard. Hell, if one day I was dating John, I'd have the greatest luck of all. I felt full, like breathing another air, as if my heart pumped differently and my fingers twitched with shame. And with that same shame I wrote something random in the notebook, my hands trembling and silent.

had to study, had... but with John beside me he could not. Threw air out of my mouth, exasperated. John look out of his own notes, I opened my eyes, frightened. i had been discovered, bloody hell.

"what happen?" He looked at me worried and I felt in misery for taking away his precious time with my stupidities. "Em, no, no, don't worry, it's just that..."

"You can't concentrate" he solved with a faint sigh. I pressed my lips and with shame i nodded. "I should have told you no, it's that you looked so excited... I didn't think you had problems with..." I denied with despair. "No, no, it's not you, it's me, you know, I distract myself easy and I can't help thinking about things while I'm studying" and I didn't even want to study what I had in my hands. A pouting was formed on his lips and he smiled. "Do you want me to go or...?" I moved my hands with despair but trying to see me relaxed. "No, don't worry, I can concentrate..." I took the book between my fingers and approached it to my face as if that way I could finally study. John gave a laugh, I felt the warmth in my cheeks began to the forehead. 

"Do you want me to help you? " He graciously offered, i took the book out of my face look at it with unbelief. "but you said you didn't know much about..." He threw air out of his mouth. "but I can help you, so we help each other and learn at the same time" a faint smile disfigured my face as he put his hand on my shoulder. "Thank you, Deaky, you are an angel" wet my lips, ashamed, I knew only his most intimate friends called him "Deaky "and I felt really ashamed that that nickname came out of my lips, I looked down, looking my hands. A lot of closeness and trust with him had making me act differently and precipitated. "Well, come on" I encouraged as I felt in the real rubbish of embarrassing situations. his cheeks blushed in a intense red and i don't remember feeling so hot before. i sucked my lips. 

The next thing was to study with mutual help. I felt that it had been a profitable afternoon. John had congratulated me on every thing he understood as a primary teacher would do with his little pupil and I felt good in each of his flatteries. he is a good teacher. 

I looked the clock and the was 10 pm on the wall. too late, I thought. we rise from the ground and he got his backpack in shoulder. I promised him that tomorrow I would help him study and we were meeting at 5 pm.

Finally we go down the stairs, with John's back ready and I with sandals. We stopped in the street, full of light and even with people hanging around. I sighed. "Thank you, John, thank you very much, you did me a big favour" he smiled faintly, with red tinted cheeks and hands concealed in the pockets of his coat. "It's nothing, really. I like to help you" I smiled while inside had with a tight heart and eager to scream. "we were late, aren't we?" I say, looking the dark sky and nervious. "That's right, I think I should go now or else I won't catch the last bus" he say while moistening my lips with my tongue. "Yes, yes, go, thank you very much again" he smiled before started walking, I noticed that her cheeks were still red and before left was anxious to say something, but she stayed in complete silence to get out of my square metre and disappear down the street. I had disappointed not to say what I meant but I sighed like a fool in love and I started laughing like crazy, with my heart exploding and my face burning.


	4. Englishman in New York

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roger's frustrated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiiiiiiiiiii, I'm back. This is not the best chapter (and who said the others if?) but I tried to capture what goes through Roger's head. 
> 
> Excuse me if there are grammatical errors or something, I hope you enjoy it.

I found Freddie in the hallway, I looked at him with a frown, surprise, until I remembered that we go in the same university, sometimes I forget that detail. He came smiling and the first thing he did was cross his right arm behind my back, I looked at him sideways. "What are you doing?" I watched him deliberately smile and a prick fell on my chest with sudden nervousness. "Nothing, can't I be with my best friend?" My eyebrows fell, what was he up to? "Ah, I had forgotten that you are exclusive friend of John D-E-A-C-O-N" I opened my eyes as I felt warmth in my face. Freddie's voice ring was the opposite of silent and had seen a couple of girls turn to the appalling voice of him. Shit. "What, are they already boyfriends or something?..."

"shut up, ass horse!" He gave a thunderous laugh that provoked warmth in my stomach and i craved to hit him. "My friend" he broadened his smile. "you can no longer hide it... they saw you" the eyelids rose and my chest began to beat hard, I was not understanding anything and Freddie's arrogance did not help much less than infamous laughter. "They saw you," I had announced once more seeing my face frightened. "A friend saw you two out of your apartment too late, what's going on?" My heart tightened and my lungs did not seem to respond to the insistent task they had to do. My hands sweated and my face felt hot. "Nothing, nothing, what was going to happen?" he laughed again and anger began to float back into my veins, i bit my lips. He squeezed even more his grip on my shoulders. "What bad luck, I thought that as you always get what you want you could have sex with..." I covered his mouth. My chest was too agitated and I felt very ashamed. I was upset with Freddie, how he say such things in front of everyone? I knew he was making fun of me, he always did it on my unfortunate situation. He mocked my reputation as "womanizer" and "Bad Boy" and that I could not dare with a man; and damn! It was not the easiest thing in the world to go and tell a person of your same genre that you like him, is badly seen, people would point me with a finger and laugh fun of me and John would not want to see me ever again in life and I would be alone and old and ugly and fat and...

Freddie got away my hand of his mouth, contemptuously, grabbing my hand with his fingers made tweezers. "Honey, how many times do you wainting for? And don't, don't put that face on me. I know what I say, honey, you will not end up being the hodgepodge of the university or your stupid reputation will shatter. If you really love John and fantasize about him, then, go and tell him what you feel and if he reject you let him free because you have a million other people to watch and have sex and the things you like to do, it's easy. take it slow" I sighed. the infamy came back with his same speech and I with the same excuses of a stupid with scruples. I frown a moment to think how easy it was for all of them to tell me so many things and never put their in practice, Freddie was a bastard. Aside my eyes from Freddie. "You know nothing, as you are gay assumed..."

"Darling, I'm not afraid of what they say about me or my reputation. I love people and I'm not afraid to do it "I saw him cross his arms, with a smile on his lips. my desire insisted to want to hit against him. How dare he even mention that I had a bloody coward, stupid and meaningless? It hurt me in the way he unfolded in front of me and as I had accused of my actions and what I did not do. Damn it, I'm not a coward, I'm not afraid to love, I'm not what others said; I had feelings, I had aspirations... bloody hell! "Get the hell out of my sight" I said, walking as fast as I could, away from him, even so Freddie caught me. "Won't you tell me anything, eh?, you know it's true and you're ashamed of it" I looked at him sideways, evidently annoying, frowning and walking faster at the same torque that clenched his fists. "I don't want to hear you" and he smiled, I caught sight him before i hurried down the stairs. "Roger, everyone will know" and his thunderous laughter hammered my head as I looked askance at him as he laughed and I went down the steps even faster. I kept seeing his face in my mind, his mocking laughter... my chest was ruffled as my effort to go down the stairs was more evident. With the same image around my head I crashed with someone inadvertently and apologized before continuing to go down quickly and disappear from all the torment.

How dare he say that? of course it was a lie, crude blasphemy. He had no idea of anything, of anything I living, of my damned insecurity and my unfortunate lack of confidence. I knew how to build relationships with the rest but with John, fuck, I couldn't, I just couldn't, I was frightened of everything, all my horrors were falling at my feet, all my complexes were on the old and yellow lawn and I didn't avoid any of it. I could flirt with anyone but with John my mouth was blocked, my eyes fell to the ground, my hands were numb. I couldn't, could not, could not, nothing of me went well when John had near me, when I invadinged my person with his presence and felt that he knew so much of me and I so little of myself and of him. I'm angry to note that a person had me in his hands and he don't care. 

I fell on the lawn, with the backpack in my legs and my nervous hands. I picked up a cigarette from the front pocket of my raincoat, set it between my lips, burned and threw the smoke with anxiety. My hands would not stop moving, how is it that Freddie's simple words and actions could cause such a serious effect on me? I wouldn't attend the first class just to think a little bit about myself and my actions. I had the big advantage that John was my friend and that we were now studying together, alone, for hours, in the old and small apartment of rent. The idea overwhelmeded me; Just thinking about being alone with John, in his slight movements of his T-shirt unbuttoned, his clavicles marked each time he leaned a little to help me, or how he put the tip of the pen on his mouth and bit slightly when things they were complicated or when he didn't understand something. It had been five days since he had decided to help me, mutually, but curse; I was increasingly awkward with the movements as the days passed and the hours became endless before Deacon's slight provocations, of which I was sure he was not aware of them and I was a sick bastard who saw his simple gestures like an open invitation to take him to my bed. He spoke more than usual when we were alone, more banal or interesting things or what we were studying and I felt less unsure of speaking but when he go away home all my martyrdoms returned. I bit my lip. The impatience of my actions were evident and I was so stupid that I could do nothing against them. I gave a puff to the cigarette, maybe it was the fifth or the fourth, I'm not sure. John Deacon it was so worthwhile for my heart that I was risking a great deal to a person who had no prior knowledge of the intensions or my emotions and that was what most anger; he did not know, after my repeated attempts , nothing I planned.

I growl but still, was it really worth it to behave this stupid? I didn't even know if he heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual or whatever, I had no idea, he hadn't shown himself openly with his sexuality and that frustrated me. John frustrated me, he hadn't really open or aware of what I had doing and agh, damn it. my face in my hands, turning off the cigarette to leave for another occasion, everything was so simple and complicated at the same time... and I felt so in the clouds, out of my feet, when I was with him. I don't want to fall in love, shit, I don't want to. 

But it looks like it was already giving in.


	5. L.A woman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John shows Roger something really nasty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have problems with "had" and "was" so I fixed. sorry about that.

I feel the sound of my heart breaking into a thousand pieces and falling to the ground. I licked my lips slowly and I didn't exactly know why I had done it. I suffocated the smile that is spreading and the stupid I had to force me to forge. I couldn't help but look at her with annoyance disguised as good intentions. 

Fuck, I want to cry, breath sinking my chest, complaining. Ever since I'd seen him come with her, when he introduced her to me, damn it, I knew where all this shit was going, but I didn't want to admit it until he mentioned what she didn't want me to do.

"She's my girlfriend," he said, with that damn smile that I thought only extended to me. My chin move in need of tears. "Veronica" he smiled at him and she stretched hand in my direction to infect and see how that slut stole my platonic love. "Hello, a pleasure, John has told me a lot about you, are good friends for what I see" and almost boyfriends, I want to say. yearned for to make a grimace of displeasure but only kept my uncomfortable smile on my face. I thought John might have done the same thing, but the other way around, showing me as his boyfriend in front of that bitch who was in love with him. Agh, that's disgusting. "So you talk about me with other people" I tried to sound funny but my voice only emanated a displeasure. John smiled again. "That's right" she smiled like a stupid, staring at John and gave me so much sick to see them there. I wanted to disappear but I couldn't. "They're very good friends you two, I'm glad that happens... I did not think that you joined with John, as you are of those types" I lifted an eyebrow. knew perfectly what I wanted to allude and I crossed my arms, I opened my lips impatiently. "I didn't think a girl like you had that kind of prejudice" I said, she just smiled, but her shoulders were tense. I had hit in the sore. "Well, someday we could have a coffee all three and talk about life, but now, Rog, I apologize because I won't be able to go to study with you today, I'll come out with her" she reported Deaky as I nodded, with perplexed eyes and semi tight lips Restless. "All right"

My stomach got a tipped with the volume and tone of my voice, force a quick smile. "I See you tomorrow" he said goodbye, taking my hand. God, I felt so sad and my chest ached, with a smile unique and painful for him, so that he finally knew what bothered and tormented me. She just said goodbye by shaking her hand and smiling before she left. I had in complete silence, sighing; My voice did go out and I stood there watching his go with her. the way of cross his hand on her back and she put her stupid hand in the shoulders of him... damn, my eyes clouded and for a moment I began to cry as stupid child. The tears flew up to my cheeks and they kept on doing it, I tried to clean them but as I moved the palms of my hands over my eyes the tears falling with more hardest. I clenched my teeth furiously and struck my temples with my knuckles. The desperate mouth opened while my chest, open-cut, stretched with all the blood on the ground, that's how I felt, as if John had opened my chest with a knife and pulled out my heart with his right hand and throw to the trashcan.

It hurt so much and I knew it wasn't supossed to hurt. At the end of the day, I never tried to do anything but raise a friendship, I never proliferate my feelings when I felt so safe at his side, so comfortable and enjoyable, but now I knew I could never get out of it. John was in a relationship, with a girl; Not with a stupid blond who thought he'd fall in love with his stupid tactics. he is the only person who couldn't succumb to my charms and that made me want it even more.

Fucking hell! I want to scream, run and rip my guts and throat. my was itching so much the trachea and my tears did not stop falling. I turned around for fear that someone discvered things that should not be. I can't go to the class, I can't breathe the same air was share with John, and she, and... bloody hell¡ I can't do any thing without feeling so sad. In the the collective locomotion I cried again, squeezing my bag against my breast, hiding my face to the world; my face of discory, my horrible face, my face to John. Barely and reluctantly, I descended at the stop I owed and I dragging my feet up the stairs, in the apartment. Jesus christ.

"Mr. Roger... Mr. Roger" called me a trembling, and warm voice. I stay static and motionless and I cleaned the tears that had begun to fall since I walked from the bus stop to the rental department. I turned to the old woman. "What's going on?" I asked, with hoarse voice after all day regreting and throwing plaintive moans. It is the first time someone broke my heart in this beastly way. The woman deliberately smiled. "The payment date of the rent is in two weeks, do not forget... oh, and I sent someone to fix that problem with the shower". I licked my lips, that problem with the shower had made me a whole month, at so many in the morning or night, taking a shower with cold water and was really surprised that I had no cold or died of pneumonia. "Thank you very much" I said smiling with the few forces I had to get her and moving away fast... But she is a old woman, she is not a fool, I saw it in her eyes. "Take care, darling" she told me before she walked slowly with his cane to his apartment. Department, I say... the pigsty where I lived. I lived crowded and gave thanks that was not near a suburb. The apartment had the main hall, where was a chair often, a plastic table with beach chairs emulating a dining room, a kitchen with an old refrigerator and few nurseries, beyond there was a hallway, my room and the bathroom. What a shit... but... could be worse.

I walked to "home" and threw myself on the couch after throwing my valuables to the floor and hit the door. I must admit that I felt so much pain, burning so much in the intestines that I began to cry, once more. I heard no more and blinked a few times, still crying and in the third flicker I realized it was dark and saw absolutely nothing, the only lighting came from the street lanterns. 

sighed and blinking a few more times and moving on the uncomfortable couch, ached all over my back and legs and felt my eyes weigh more than anything else in my body. In the street there was no other noise than the cars and voices of the people, I had silent for a second and I had the guts to get out of the seat and prepare a tea to relax so I stayed in that armchair, with the pains terrifying. With my hands on my face I regret once again as I felt a prick in my chest, damn it, again, my chin trembled once more. I felt unhappy and silent. I settled on the old couch, put my hands behind my neck, elbows on my knees, and look on the ground. How could I not have realized that he heterosexual?, how had I been so stupidly innocent of thinking that, by magic, he would feel to same way to a man, to me? When I wanted a girl was not much the difference, they were willing to love me in the same way I proposed, never with formalities, but, damn, how I had so incredulous to think that John Richard Deacon would love back to me? I had really frustrated because all my attempts had been in vain, all I felt that I had endeavored to make him notice my feelings towards him had been in vain. I felt stupid, so stupid, believing that he, in all magnificence, was going to look at someone like me, in a shit like me, in someone who did not respect himself, someone who did not look at anyone but himself and the only time he had cared about, someone else he thought was going to get the same deal. I felt my eyes itch. 

Now I understood everything. John was too good a person and kind, too John Deacon to love a scum like me. A sobbing sprang from my lips. Again i cried. My head rested on the back of the couch, reclining me. I did not value myself and wanted others to do it for me to fill my damn ego and now, the first time they broke my heart, I realized it. sighed, with the dolls on my forehead, united, defeated. It was my fault, this is all my fault, John no... John...


	6. so real

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wet dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiiiii!, I know I've had a lot of updating, but I'm back here. I published this story in Spanish, I leaveyou the link https://www.wattpad.com/673000908-fuck-queen-gay-dealor-groove-is-in-the-heart  
> enjoy it!

I blink for the third time, a yawn emanated from my bowels and my eyes felt hot. Three nights ago I couldn't reconcile the dream and I know perfectly well that it was due. John continued to go to my house to study and I had no longer so sure of wanting to have him so close.

Another week was missing for this delirium ceased and there was no day to cry. It is not that I no longer wanted close to John, but just now I did not want to see him, or think him, because I knew the damage I did to myself having so close, so kind, so he, meanwhile I gotting surly and disdainful. He had asked me several times what was happening to me and I changed the versions depending the day. A few days I said that I had a bad day, others I had received bad news, my parents, this and the other, but I never dared to tell him why strange behavior for him.

I be being a shit, I know, I yelled at him and sometimes I told him I didn't want to see him. There were occasions when I only sat down to curse him and blame him quietly as I pressed the graphite pencil between my fingers with force when I see it with so much harmony and his nose between the books. He said the experiments of his carrer go at home to not disturb me and obviously I answer in a bad way wanting to say something else, as the caliber that "I resent more that bitch than your empiricism."

And I said "slut" to her without justification, only because I, stupidly, had so idealized John and had been so stubborn with the idea of one day we would be boyfriends who now annoyed me the slightest hint of him about his girlfriend, her and his existence, of the Guys talking to me about him, damn it, he didn't want to know about the fucking world.

Although John looked worried about me and tried to make me feel good in every possible way, the uneasiness in me was evident and came to my throat. why did he, who so much harm had done me, care about me after my broken heart? Fuck, I knew it wasn't her fault, or the other stupid one. It was my damn fault but the son of a bitch had not notice me... damn it!

Freddie was stroking my back and saying things like, "see? For not taking chances" or something like that, maybe he never said it, but I felt that he transmitting that kind of message every time he tried to console myself.

As a result the number of girls in my bed and cigarette butts around me had increased, not that I had proud of that but if they are a sort of relaxing for my poor soul who see the man of my dreams fucking a asshole blondie.

I bit my lips slightly, turning my mind to class. The pencil passed away between the leaves and the notebook. The professor made strange drawings on the blackboard with his squeaky chalk and I crossed my arms I leaned in the chair and my eyes flickered. The teacher's voice and the irritating sound of the extension of his fingers became more and more distant and in the last blinked I did not react again.

An infernal heat around me plunged me into a catharsis. I felt something damp between my legs, a force that stretched and welcomeded me gracefully. I heard restless moans over my head and I wanted, I really wanted, to open my eyes but something would not allow me. The cramp I suffered on my feet and on my genitals I recognized immediately; I was having sex with someone, maybe it was the best of my fucking life because the throat burned me and the belly burned at the same time that the weak whispers that proliferated are more high.

When I finally opened my eyes I felt a confusion to see a body without breasts and his abdomen extended, somewhat bony, on me, stirringing and moving. His arms were supported in what was supposed to be the back of the bed and his shaky and fickle movements caused my gestures to rave of pleasure while a spasms roamed my back. Hell, i have bugger with a man. I bit my lower lip and grabbed his hips between my fingers with an uncontrollable force that tried to match what I was feeling at the moment, to the pleasure that provoked me. "Oh, Rog, mo-more, mmh, plea..." I knew immediately where that tired, half-hoarse voice came from. And his prominent hips in the face of the little flesh that existed there I squeze even further between my fingers. "for God's sake, please do it" He cast his head further back, arching, so that he could see his hair bounce off his back, move behind it. The ribs escaped from his skin and the latter seemed to stretch like chewing gum before the thin body on me. His hands gave to my shoulders, pressing with inclemency. "John, dammit, I..." I heard a voice that I identified as mine seconds later. The pressure of his hands, the pressure in my dick and the narrowness that was making me bite my lips like an animal to not let go of any kind of shameful groan.

"shhh" hissed and I could finally see her face. The memory of my brain had done a good job recreating this image. His reddish, swollen lips between open, her blushing cheeks and his disheveled hair stirred my self restlessly and worsened the tingling on the shaft. he licked his lips before saying something; "Do," he said. "Do it, do it, do it, do it, tell me what you want, don't be afraid, make me yours, do it, motherfucker" and the burning mist of paroxysmal dyspnea would climb up to the white sky and...

"Hey" I lifted my head off the desk, my head ache and my eyes were burning. "The class is over" said the girl. I looked at her with my tired eyes before yawned. "Oh, thank you," and she began to walk away, down the stairs, and her hair bounced off every step that descended.

Lifted my eyebrows before carving my eyes and standing up, I grabbed my purse tucking everything that was lying around the table and started walking until I went down my sight to look at my own footsteps and noticed it... a damn boner. What I needed. I wouldn't do anything for it, even if rubbed me with the thick cloth of her trousers, I wouldn't do anything, I wouldn't cry for it. this shit came alone, this shit goes alone, it comes alone, it goes alone.

When I finished jerk off in the bathroom, I came out of the cubicle and washed my hands. It is my sad situation, masturbating in the bathroom and sobbing like an imbecile; Now the remorse came to make it clear how pathetic I am. I swallowed spit by looking in the mirror; My reflection produced a repudiation to the point of wanting to burst the mirror that uncleanly reflected my scum. Acuné my hands under the stream of water and wet my face. sighed, filling my chest, before wiping my hands with the toilet paper to get out of that gruesome bathroom of the university.

With the look down I punish mentally as I remembered how I was forced to remember that wet dream and when I came urgently sputtered John's name until the voice of certain ladies disturbed my path. They were calling me.

I looked at them; A ginger and a brunette, both tall and curvy. I licked my lips. "You are invited to the beer party on Saturday," they said, extending a pamphlet, I took it between my restless fingers and flipped it before smiling at both. "Thank you, beautifuls" they laughed and said goodbye to me with a gesture in my hand.

I felt really bad once they were not in my peripheral vision; I felt awful to use the rest to my convenience, to think of John and to react anyway to the stimuli that were offered to me by force. I would go to that party only to not having to endure crying like an asshorse as I narrowed my pillow against my chest and regretted the things I could have done and obviously I didn't.

I went to the campus with the intention of smoking a cigarette. A while ago I did not go out to look for John for a while or look at him when he was immersed in his silence, craneing some kind of perfect conversation in his mind and probably never happen. I trying no notice him now that I knew he had a girlfriend and that my chances were considerably reduced to 0%. I gave another puff to the cigarette, resting on the rail of the staircase; I would go to that party with the intention of fucking and try, this time even if it were, not to recreate the image of John on the faces of the pretty girls.

sighed, crossing my arm under my other extended arm to smoke. With a pouting on his lips. What did John mean, in the erotic dream, to "do it"? I felt that those words had not been deliberately released, nor by the intentionality of the dream... I don't believe in that sort of thing, I had never gotten signals through dreams. I crushed the dead cigar with the sole of my shoes, that wasn't any information I should consider , that everything was in my mind, that my head had created this whole scenario just to hurt me and make me feel like a real shit.

I saw Fred's face come out of the front door and he smiled at me, he got away from the guys he came with.

"Hey Rog, there's a party..."

"they told" I interrupted, looking at the sky. "Oh, well, I'll see you later at the theater" and he was going again with them. The only hope that kept me at ease was to know that we tried more than before and to touch the battery was the only thing that cleared me from all this delirium.

I put my hands in my pockets, carraspeando before I went to college for my last class. forget John Deacon, by force.


	7. Money

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roger accepts it's a total shit with Deaky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I am back. Sorry for the delay, grammatical errors and everything... (even for being a shit typing fluff). Enjoy and comment if you liked this chapter!

I was silent the whole trip, looking at anything other than the person standing next to me. He move his hands urgently and I dippinged even more in the images projected of the bus window. I rambled my sight between his long, white, bony hands like the rest of him, and the window. Really, now that he was trying to leave him alone, he did not know how I fall in love; John had no grace whatsoever. His nose was ugly and somewhat flattened, that separation between his teeth is puzzling and his long hair is dull and sad. As soon as his eyes reflected nothing, just the emptiness. He looked with condescension and heaviness upon other people. Even, I was annoyed by his breathing; How I fell in love with him? Now that he saw it well, he had no grace and being shy was the only thing that attracted the girls, perhaps never had a girlfriend considering how restless he becomes when he talks to someone strange.

I sank in the seat. John Deacon was not worth it and I could not see the time or the day that this shit of studying in my department would end so as not to have any relationship with him. I looked at the window again and opened my eyes to realize that it was time to get off the bus. I looked to my right and as John rose from the seat, taking his backpack between his slender arms, waiting for it to pass first; And so I did and he followed me.

We said absolutely nothing on the way to my apartment. Sidelong watched as John tried to talk, biting his lips and fixing his hair behind his ear. I know he is nervous. The five months near him told me. I put the key in the porch before looking at it to be placed behind me in complete silence.

We salute the glitter of the sun full of filth. I threw my purse against the floor and walked into the kitchen looking for a beer. John sat down, still taciturn, on the rug, with his purse on his legs and bowed head, I saw him from my privileged location in the kitchen. I came back with a frown, it would be another bloody evening grew in silence. I took the notebook on the table next to the vase. My mission would be to make torpedoes and read; And I really set out to do it, moving the pencil between my fingers, but John's voice interrupted me. 

"I... Rog..." I cursed about his voice sounded sad, I wanted to hate him but I stopped right away. "You... You are...?" his head somewhat bent, his lips parched. I licked mine as if his own were able to moisten. "Are you all right?" I breath deep, with heaviness going down my windpipe. "I'm fine, John" swerved the look to the book and my stupid leaves, tinkering with the pencil between my fingers. "Roger..."

"I'm fine, John, look at me, I'm perfectly fine. Can we study?" My voice had sounded very loud and I was really angry with the whole fucking world, especially with John Deacon, who was starting to get out of his place and take his things. "Roger, you're not well and I'm not going to accept that you continue to treat me like this, damn it, what's wrong with you?" I licked my lips before I look at it. "John..." I held my breath. Opened his eyes, his lips between open. "go to the shit" The skin of his face was dyeded with a furious red and I stood up. "your... You're a..."he paused, keeping the insult. "Are you like this because I'm with Veronica?" My breathing was cut, I opened my mouth moving my face to the side and with clenched fists. You... smart bastard. "What makes you think that?" his browd down and he straightened, his chest lifted. "Because since that day you've been avoiding me and you've behaved like shit with me, who you think you are to come and treat someone bad because you're unhappy?" My lips trembled with my heart. I've never seen John in a facet like this, so defensive. "I haven't been avoiding you, I'm busy with classes, John, not all the damn attention has to go to you" And then I regretted having said that when I saw his lips were tight, his clenched fists and his hair moving in denial. "I don't know what's wrong with you, but I'm not going to put up with you treating me wrong" he grabbed the backpack's leash, walking to the exit. browd my brow and clenched his teeth, with a gesture he supposed was sore. "I hope you understand that the world does not revolve around you" He mentioned leaving and closing the door so slowly that the sound of the latch against the lock had hurt me more than his steps to the exit. I threw my notebook towards the door with force, then the pencils, the book, if possible I would have thrown myself against the door but I jumped to the ground with threatening tears trying to get out of my concave.

I could not help it, I felt so much inside my soul. I could not convince myself of how foolish and ugly imagine it in my memory while my heart was beating like a deranged every time he sat next to me or he speak to me. His concern had made me come out of my shit just for my damned stubbornness and my still obstinate feeling. I couldn't hide it anymore, I couldn't keep treating it that way.

A feverish impulse made me rise from the ground and walking to the door at full speed, but I stopped full in front of the door. My hand wavered, there on the handle, my heart was pounding so hard I could hear it in my ears. I felt the air was lacking and an immense warmth in my face. My chest went up and down hard and my hand was guided by itself. I ran for him and not finding him on the stairs, my hopes falling. I wish to find him at the bus stop or address to it.

I ran, for the first time in my life, I ran for someone and myself. My eyes searched to him everywhere when I left the apartment, slamming the door hard. From left to right and then to the center and repeated that same pattern until I found him walking quickly to the bus stop. I licked my lips before I go off to his address. I figured catch up him, but the bus began to appear on the corner of the street, the trees fluttered tightly around me and the bus ran even harder. At one point I felt my heart would come out of my mouth until a sharp cry came out of my lips.

"John!" My voice sounded horribly pathetic and I was panting, still running after him. He turned around, letting the bus follow his path, and pursed his eyebrows. I thanked him internally because he still maintained his characteristic kindness and patience with the imbecile who treated him like shit only because he never dared to tell him what he felt. I stopped at his side, panting, indicating with signs that he would give me time. He waited for me idly and with slight pattering against the asphalt on his feet. "John" I called again, with the need to stay with me, even with a tired voice and desperate eyes. His gestures eased a little while he looked at me. "John..."

"What?" his voice sounded faint and restless. I swallowed, I would really do this? "John, I..." blinked and with a slight movement in his head of assent, alloweding me to speak. sighed, drowning in myself, was it really today, after he had opened his heart and extended his friendship only in a hug?, would I be able to stop thinking about me and what they will say to extend me and be happy once and for all next to the person that I was dragging right and left? I squeezed the cigarette pack in my front trouser pocket as if she gave me enough strength. Threw air of my mouth. "I'm really sorry, I don't know what happened to me these days... It's not your fault, or anything else that's related to you. It's me, I'm a fool... Agh, I'm really sorry, John, I didn't mean to make you feel that way, I would have never wanted you to feel despised or something, let alone insult you... I don't know what happened to me, please forgive me" In his face there was a gesture of compassion at the same time when my heart pricked me and my throat burned. That was not the main idea I had run to here, but Roger the coward Taylor was returning to make his appearance in the only chance of his life. He took me by the shoulders and pulled me to him, wrapping his arms in my back.

My heart was beating fast, even more than when I ran, and my face burned more than any other occasion. I accepted that hug as the only method that would keep me at peace with my foolish mistake and cowardice. Deaky was always so sympathetic to everyone, so attentive, kind, delicious. I smelled her hair and I lickeded my lips slightly; His hair had an exquisite lavender scent that I never thought I smelled since mom said goodbye to me before sending me to the big city to study, between hugs and tears. I shook it tight against me, remembering that moment and the way I would have liked to hug my mother in that time.

"Never mind, Rog" his voice was vibrating against my chest and I experienced a kind of desire to cry and never separate from this position for the rest of my life. His long fingers began to caress my back and I felt like John had consoled me for having a girlfriend and not noticing my insinuations. I leaned my chin against his head, and sighed. "I don't know what I did to deserve you" I said, without much thought and the vibration of his laughter against my chest made me fly once more and blush. "Don't say such things" I continued to caress my back as if it were a pussycat. I thanked him in a certain way. "Why? that's what I feel, hell, I don't know what I did to get you here with me to be my best friend" I clenched my lips to that confession, especially in the last two words. He was my best friend because I hadn't been allowed to tell him anything else and I was just apologizing as an idiot. I heard Deaky's laughter one more time. "you're also my best friend, Roger... And I don't want you to think that because I'm in a relationship I have to leave you automatically, we're best friends, the best friends are always there" I smiled. If Brian or Freddie, even if Gale, told me that wouldn't have the same impact with what John said.

I really felt in the clouds and I didn't mind that we hug more time. I only wanted to be with him, clinging to him, feeling him and mistakenly thought that he also enjoyed moments like this. 

Everything was wonderful until his arms were lifted from my back and he gave me a shy smile. My heart beat again senseless. "I fond you" he told me without measuring his words, and my lips opened; I smiled at him again. "So am I.


	8. Moving alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roger tell the true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiiiii, yes i know I was missing for a long time, but I came back. The school is consuming me so I don't think I can do things any faster. Once again, I apologize for the obvious grammatical errors as I do not speak English.

I was too nervous. I wasn't even paying attention to Freddie's words, he was sitting on my right. That afternoon the test scores would be published and that's why I was so anxious. This would define my future, if I continued for another year or I was stuck one more year in dentistry.

My heart was arrhythmic, sometimes it went very fast, in other returned to normal and then pumped hard again. At this rate I was sure I'd have a heart attack. 

"Let your leg alone" I looked at my thighs, I was actually shaking my leg like a tic. I tried to stop but I kept on, I put my hands on my neck, desperately. "Shut up" and Freddie rolled his eyes. "Did you hear anything I said?" I looked at him, with his eyebrows bowed and with a painful and uncomfortable smile. "really...?" I paused to verify his horrified gestures. "No," and he lifted his arms. "To top it off. I was talking to you about my new projects and you ignore me Olympic form. You are one of the most horrifying beings who have stepped on earth Roger Meddows Taylor" I rolling my eyes on his melodrama. In a certain part he was right, he was the worst scum on earth. A cowardly, disgusting, filthy rat...

"And have you spoken to John? now I see that you are not interested in the slightest talk about my ideas..." I held a sigh, looking at him sideways before observing the Styrofoam board in front of us. "It's not time to talk about him... "

"So, you still don't say anything... " I frown before looking at him, furious. "How do you want me to tell you if he get in a relationship? Stupid" he rolled his eyes, crossing his arms and lean back in the old chair. "Do not raise your voice, I am not deaf..." his arrogant voice...You filthy little rat, I'll hang you with my hands. "I mean that you can do it because you have nothing to lose..." I denied. "I have to lose, Fred, don't say shit..."

"Of course not and you know it well... If he rejects you because he has a girlfriend, keep yourself away. If you make things come up, Eureka!" I refused again, removing my hair. "you have no any idea..."

"I know everything, Roger. You are the one who does not want to admit reality because you are afraid to stay alone..." His hand landed on my shoulder. "But fear no more, dear, for we are your friends..." I watched him through the corner of my eye. "And we'll always be there for you, Rog, don't forget..." He shook his shoulder while I felt like he was approaching my ear. he whispered something that left me frozen; 

"Although there are rumors that he was in a relationship with a guy before Veronica and you..." I separated from his grip as if his hand was loaded with electricity and was discharged in me. My chest took another turn and this time it wasn't for the stupid exams. "What?" my voice sounded weak and needy and I never cared less. Freddie, seeing my reaction, smiled broadly. "that... That our dear Johnny is not as innocent as his face proves it.." I looked at the ceiling and my eyes fell into my hands. "A boy," he mocked, and my heart began to beat, hopeful. "Who would have thought it?" Another thunderous laugh while my mind was on the other side; I imagined John with a man, the pampering provided, on the lips over the strangers, coarse, and a burning began to rise from my stomach to my chest. I looked at Freddie. "How do you know that?" "and Fred fanned his hand against his face. fucking Bulsara.

"Dah, honey, I have contacts..." I frown an eyebrow. "I don't know if I believe..." and he smiled. "Do it, tell it and face it" I see his eyes sight of diverted to the corridor after me. "Face it the same way you're going to have to face those ratings that come right there" indicated, pointing behind me. I looked, watching a lady with glasses, slow steps, advancing to the blackboard in front of my eyes. My heart seemed to have given no signs of life until it began to beat hard again. My face felt cold and hot at the same time, I'm sure I'm pale.

She searched among the papers, I assumed that he was looking for the qualifications of the race exams and published them corcheteaneolos on the slate of Styrofoam. I woke up immediately, as a soul in sorrow after the lady and Freddie accompanied me, holding his back.

When I stood in front of the blackboard and looked for my name in the dentistry section I felt like I was starting to acloparse people on my sides and behind. I was silent to see the results. Shit...

"¿How...?" He stood next to me and read, I was surprised how fast I had been looking for my name. "Oh, I" his hand on my shoulder and his worried voice began to burn in my chest. I wanted to throw myself on the floor and cry right there. "I am very sorry, Roger," he said, and my gaze did not move from the information on the blackboard. My eyes did not move from there, that low qualification and the dazzling "pupil is not raising to the second year of Dentistry and health". I squeezed my lips at the same time as fists, damn, this couldn't be happening to me. I blink trying to find out if it was a dream or something, when I came to myself I turned away from the race of people who were grouped in that place. Freddie kept asking me how I was and I couldn't answer anything. Some girls who passed by me greeted me and was not a hundred percent excited to see them.

I sat outside the university and Fred did the same thing by my side. "It's not so bad," he said, and I kept looking at the front. "Next year you have to give all of you" I sighed. I wasn't even sure there was a "next year". "Damn," I spoke at last, with my hands covering my face and my elbows on my knees. "I blew it," I said. "Well, in theory yes, you fucked up, but don't worry... You'll do better" he said, trying to make me feel better about the mistakes I had made, of my damn mistakes. I did not exactly regret each of the outings to the university parties or clubs where I was invited, do not waste my time saying that the girls I slept with should not have appeared neither the drugs nor the alcohol consumed had to... It was entirely my fault. My damn fault. I was the fucking mistake in all this. I sighed. I could not be more stupid, not even the evenings I studied with John served something, nothing had helped my great stupidity.

"Emmh... Roger" and my friend's worried voice made me raise my head. "Hello, Roger" fuck, the last person I wanted to see on my worst day appeared out of nowhere. My heart began to beat with excessive force and I wanted to hide. "Hello" the dry, hoarse voice emanated with a reluctance. He raised his eyebrows, I figured he already knew where all this was going. He looked at Freddie. "Hello, Freddie," he said, arranging the suspenders of his backpack. He rose from the seat and smiled faintly. "Hi, John, how nice to see you..." He looked at me for a few seconds, with that complicity of his own. "I'd like to stay with you guys, but I have things to do in this shit. Beware, cutes" and I was beginning to disappear before I winked. I stared at him like a fool waiting for him to come back and take me with him.

Talking to Deaky, just now, is not the stuff I liked about the world. The feeling was worse when he moved to the bench and sat next to me, I looked at my hands. "What happened?" I raised my head. "Why did you come?" I hadn't even looked at it. "Well, I remembered you said today was the delivery of the ratings and I forgot to return the sticks you lent me" sidelong I watched him put the backpack on his legs and search. I shrunk, feeling rubbish. "Have you already used it?" he nodded, looking at me with those beautiful gray eyes he had. "How are you, Roger?" with a pouting on his lips and looking back at the front, I ignored him. We kept silent, maybe John was still waiting to I respond. His hand landed on my shoulder, as if calling me and as if the palm of his hand burned, I turned away. He repeated what he had said and frowned.

"so bad" I said with a voice laden with fury. "like all the things I do, every damn shit I try to do well gets out of hand and I have no qualms about it. Damn, I'm fucked" I looked him in the eye, the frightened ones were looking at me from the gray threshold. I stood up. "And now there is no solution. How always and how the asshole I am I regret what I did and without remorse I say I'm going to make things better and it really isn't, we all know it. Very well you know it, John"

"Roger, don't say that..." I opened my eyes. I pointed it out. "Don't say "That"? I'll say it every fucking time it's necessary, damn it, shit!" With a toe on the bench the Chestnut tree stood up. "Calm down," and I wanted to hit him, because it was his fault too. If he hadn't thought of introducing me to his whore girlfriend, I would have had the chance to live in ignorance and perform the exam well. "Don't say the things I have to do. Damn, this is also your fault" and he opened his eyes, also annoying perhaps. "My fault?"

"Yes, it's your fault. If you hadn't introduced me to your girlfriend I would still think that I have a chance with you because, damn, I like you" my heart was beating in my ears and I was sure that at any moment it would come out of my mouth, leaving a nasty puddle of blood. My hands trembled and moistened, I looked at him expectant, with the need to breathe more air than I could hoard in my lungs.

John held his eyes wide open and the step he gave back immediately indicated the rejection I was receiving. His eyes fell to his feet and returned to my eyes. His face was really red and he was sure mine too.

The tortuous silence made me divert my gaze away from him and begin to walk away too. I had to flee, I could not bear his rejection, the face of disgust that would put and the mouth between open and angry.

I walked hard, hitting the ground with every footprint it gave, stiff as a stump and really uncomfortable.

"Hey, Hey, hey," he flipped me. "What do you want me to do?" I lifted shoulders without really looking at his eyes. "No-No... I really... I don't know" I lowered my head and he lifted it with his fingers. I shuddered. "Roger, calm down..." He said and that was the only thing he couldn't do. His hands descended to my shoulders. "Roger, please," I pushed away his hands that were still burning on my skin, despite the existing clothes. I didn't want to look at him, no matter how my eyes always ended up on him. I felt too ashamed and frightened, I pressed my lips before I spoke. "John, I never should have said that, I'm sorry" and now I apologized as an idiot, I always did when I was ashamed. John hold me again, as if he were able to hold all the shit he was carrying or if I were to faint. We look at each other for an eternity. "Don't apologize, it's not your fault, it's not... It's me who has no words for this... I didn't expect it, actually" I couldn't look at it, damn it, I didn't have the strength to look at it. "but... We could take this more calmly, Rog, I don't want to... You know" he hesitated as I felt the most miserable person in the universe. I frown the brow, his lips clenched and his heart flickering furiously. The silence was more horrible.

"Give me a hug" I said as he clasped my arms against his back, with his eyelids snug and his heart beating. It corresponded to my embrace with tranquillity. I assumed that situations would bring enough social stress and let me go... But again, I just assumed.

Now, what the fuck was I supposed to do if I didn't have the expected rejection directly as a slap on my face?


End file.
